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Don’t Believe Addiction Is a Dance? Just Ask Your Partner.

Chances are, you’ve both mastered the moves.

The Sober Shaman's Path of Recovery starts with three principles:

Addiction affects the whole person.
Addiction is a cycle.
Addiction impacts every close relationship in our lives.

The last two weeks, we covered Principle 1 and why your recovery journey is unique, followed by Principle 2 and how addiction is predictable and thus treatable:

Today, we’re looking at Principle 3 and how addiction is about more than just you or me. It affects every close relationship in our lives.

Principle 3: Addiction impacts every close relationship in our lives.

When someone’s in active addiction, they cycle through the five phases of hidden beliefs, planning, acquiring, using, covering up, and dealing with the aftermath.

Round and round. Again and again. Perhaps resolving to do something different this time…but always ending up doing the same thing…with the same (or worse) results.

Caught in this cycle, they are impacting every aspect of their own life. But also, they are affecting every close relationship and person they’re in relationship with. Even when it doesn’t seem that way or “so bad” on the surface. Even when it feels like everything is more or less “fine” or “in control.”

In an ongoing, close relationship, we fall into patterns, routines, and what’s familiar.

We’re not necessarily present for or listening in the moment. We’re not necessarily responding to the moment in a new, heart-sourced, authentic way.

Rather, we default to: “I already know what this is about, and this is how I react.” Some of this conscious, but more of it is subconscious. We’ve been dancing this same dance for so long that our steps—and reactions—are automatic.

Through our reactions, we literally re-act. I react to my partner; my partner reacts to me; it’s a dance (and not the spontaneous, creative, improv kind).

Over time, this dance becomes familiar…then routine…then our lives.

Eventually in addiction, this becomes the only dance we know. Perhaps both partners are in active addiction. Or one is while the other’s on the outside looking in and trying to manage and control. Either way, it’s one dance and one song on repeat. Changing up the music or steps feels impossible.

This is super painful. And, super common.

Some examples

To simplify here, let’s say one partner is caught in active addiction while the other is a loved one attempting to interrupt the cycle and “solve” the problem.

In each of the five phases, the loved one assumes the role of disruptor. The addict pushes back.

As the addict, if I’m in the planning phase and plotting how to get and use my drug of choice, I’m going to protect my plan at all cost. If my partner offers an option that would disrupt my plans, I’ll re-act with some lie or other strategy to protect The Plan.

Them: “Hey, how about we go to that new Thai restaurant tonight?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, Love. I can’t make it tonight. I’ve got to…”

As the addict, if I’m in the acquisition phase and on my way to get my stuff, I will again resist interference. I might say “no problem” to avoid dealing with the interruption, but my actions prove otherwise.

Them: “Hey, can you do me a favor and pick up eggs from the farmer’s market on your way home? I’ve got dinner timed just right, so that’d be great.”

Me: “Sure, babe.” (Then proceeding to chose the acquisition of my stuff over getting home in time with the eggs.)

As the addict, if I’m in the covering-up phase and doing my best to hide my using and any consequences, I will re-act with a practiced defence. This might be outwardly aggressive and angry. Or it might be passive aggressive and full of gaslighting. Every addict—and every couple—has a default.

Them: “Hey, have you been drinking? You seem a little off.”

Me: “No, of course not. I can’t believe you’re saying that tonight. You know how stressed I am about work tomorrow, and here you go again starting a fight!”

Sound familiar?

You can see how, in each example, a simple statement is the partner’s attempt to interrupt the cycle of addiction (well-meaning or not and conscious or not).

The person in active addiction will push back and will choose their drug of choice over their partner or other loved one. This doesn’t make them a “bad” person. It’s just the way addiction works. And right now, addiction is in charge.

Depending on the particular dance, the steps may include angry escalation, withdraw and “the silent treatment,” or any number of other unhelpful patterns.

The one thing it will never be is original. Or present. Or responsive. Or truly intimate and loving. Our addictions don’t care about that. Our addictions don’t care about us or our partner.

Let’s change the music.

In addiction, every person in a close relationship with the addict will feel the impact. Every person in close relationship with the addict will also—whether they like it or not—be a dance partner.

Whatever style of dance we choose, there’s no way off that dance floor.

If the partner remains in the addict’s life, they will establish an “agreed upon” set of moves to an “agreed upon” song. Generally, this agreement will be unspoken—adding to its strength and capacity for harm.

Not sure whether you’re in such a dance? Trying changing up your default music or moves and watch what happens!

This impacts and shapes the routines, comings-and-goings, and entire life of those who are in a close relationship with an addict as much as it impacts the addict themself.

And, as a dance, one is leading and the other is following.

It’s super painful and super predictable.

It also means that, when an addict decides to get clean and sober, the decision impacts every close relationship in their life.

While it would “seem” as though changing up the music and dance moves in this way would be welcome for all involved, that’s not always (or often) the case.

For one, the addict’s partner or other loved one might be just as addicted to the dance. This is where we see codependency and enabling, for example. Or addiction to the story of being the fixer, giver, or caretaker.

And/or, the addict’s decision to get clean and sober may bring their loved one’s addictions or problematic relationship with alcohol or other drugs (including addictive foods or eating patterns) into sharp relief. In such cases, a new dance of triggered defensiveness is common.

I’ll be covering these and other dynamics in another post examining the “three types of dance partners in addiction.” For now, I’ll leave it at this:

For a close relationship to continue once someone chooses sobriety, the dance partner must be on board with changing the dance—and participating fully in a new, original, responsive dance of sobriety. Whether they choose to stay on in this new way or not, everything is going to change.

The simple—but not easy—treatment

In The Sober Shaman's Path of Recovery, we work though this using four medicines: Awareness, Experience, Connection, and Practice.

While the specifics will vary, here’s a simple (but not always easy) starting place when you notice yourself caught in a familiar, painful dance with a partner (could be a romantic partner, but also any other person in your life).

First, pause, notice, and surrender to the moment. Surrender to the truth (not the story) of what’s happening. Then, try this:

Awareness

Become aware of your thoughts, witnessing what arises in reaction to your partner’s words.

Experience

Instead of blurting out what’s on your mind, soften and surrender into the present moment.
Consciously experience what it’s like to not respond.

Connection

What does it feel like to not hurl your usual response?
What does if feel like to soften and surrender?
What does it feel like to not have to be right?
What does it feel like to, instead of forcing your version of right, invite an opportunity for happiness? Or peace?

Practice

Everything above will take work but will get easier. Keep at it.

In implementing and practicing the above, offer yourself space and grace. Don’t think that once you’ve caught yourself back in the same painful dance, hope is lost and your chance is over.

Awareness is the first, essential step. But this awareness may come:

Before the dance gets going: Maybe you notice and course correct reactive thoughts before expressing them. Doing so offers an opportunity to change up your dance moves or leave the floor entirely.
During the dance itself: Maybe you’re already caught up the in the dance, then notice: “Oh, crap! I’m doing it again.” No worries. Take a breath. Surrender. Start from there.
After the dance has played out: Maybe you only notice after the fact: “Ohhhh…so that was the dance Randy was talking about! I see what I was doing. I’ll catch it earlier—and do something different—next time.” This is a common starting point, and surrender can still happen right there. What went down and the “need to be right” can be softened with a clear, unconditional apology and taking accountability for your side of the street.

With attention and practice, you’ll start to catch what’s happening before the fact more often.

But no awareness is wasted. Any awareness—even if feels “too late”—changes the pattern. Maybe slowly and subtly, but still. It couldn’t be otherwise. That’s just how awareness—and our body-mind-spirit—works.

How we do one thing…

One of my own partner’s favorite sayings is: “How we do one thing is how we do everything.”

So while you’re taking note of the dances in your life, remember this dance is happening in other relationships too. You might ask, for example:

What’s my relationship to spirit?
What’s my relationship to food?
What’s my relationship to this place?
What’s my relationship to my ancestors?

While you won’t be involved in the same kind of dance or getting the same responses from these partners as with human ones, a fundamental question runs throughout:

Am I re-acting like I always have? Or am I listening, curious, and willing to do something different and be surprised?

When it comes to these other, non-human partners, this may be the first time you’re even asking this question.

If that’s you, great! Now, try asking this:

How do I listen to these partners?
What do they have to teach me?
How do I surrender and receive a heart-sourced response?
How does this affect my recovery?

While these sorts of dance partners are less obvious than loved ones and friends, they are nonetheless partners in an addict’s life. Our relationship to them is impacted by addiction…and changes in mindful, holistic recovery.

Next week, we’ll take a look at relationships from another angle: our partner’s response to our sobriety…and the choices we face from there.

Meanwhile, what dance move do you keep doing in relationship even though you wish you could stop? How does it impact your relationships? How does it relate to your addiction and recovery? Share or ask questions in the comments!

Also feel free to email me at Randy@AlchemistRecovery.com. I’d love to hear about you and your journey.

And if you’re ready for more now, without having to wait, head here for a Free Preview of the Alchemist Recovery Program.

With All Good Medicine,
Randy

Copywriting and editing by my wife and partner, Dr. , who shares raw, unfiltered writing about sobriety and soulful living at .