#1: Slippery Slopes & Choices in Early Recovery

For me, choosing recovery with full consciousness and whole-hearted intention meant accepting tough consequences. Ones that, until that point, I hadn’t been ready to face.

Specifically: Giving up drugs and alcohol would mean giving up my dream of making a living as a musician. 

There it was. Sobriety equals Not a Musician. 

It doesn’t have to be that way, of course. But for me, it was. I knew that I couldn’t separate the slippery people, places, and things from the music. I knew I couldn’t get and stay sober if I stayed in that field.

Then came the next question—one that I was deathly afraid of facing: “If I’m not a musician, who am I?”

Separating “musician” from “I am” meant disintegration of identity, communion, and community. In addiction, life as a musician and using were inextricably linked. In recovery, the first thing I encountered was profound loss.

Loss of identity. Loss of community. Loss of the Magic Moment that came with performing. Loss of the rituals of communion that passed as “daily life,” but which were actually participation in the cycle of addiction.

All of this meant loss of Home. And while it may have been an unhealthy, dysfunctional Home, it was the only one I had.

Who will I be when I let go of all this and enter recovery?

Today, I’m talking with someone who faced kindred yet very different challenges.

Upon getting sober, Jim Coley made the choice to stay in his career—as a wine professional!

That couldn’t have been easy, but he’s making it work. And, as I say in the Alchemist Recovery Program:

Addiction is predictable, but you are unique.

Listen in by hitting play above or reading the transcript below as Jim shares his unique path and story.

Time Stamps

* 0:00 Getting sober as a wine professional

* 2:30 Identity and dealing with changing identity

* 6:45 The Magic Moment for wine drinkers

* 10:10 Spitting or swallowing? How does sobriety work with tasting wine?

* 13:20 Community: Support from the wine community

* 16:50 Peers: Others who’ve gone before

* 19:05 Yoga: Movement is medicine

* 21:20 Spirits: Choosing yours

Transcript

Randal Lyons  0:00  

Jim Coley. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for joining me here today, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to talk with me. 

Jim Coley  0:08  

Yeah, thanks for having me.

Randal Lyons  0:10  

 And I think I've got my notes here. I originally sent out questions about the intersection of food, recovery, and spirituality. And you were like, well, it's I'm not exactly in the food business. I'm a wine professional. And so, if you don't mind, you know, I've been in addiction treatment centers treating for 13 years. I've heard of one individual who had your profession, and I'm not sure how he's doing. I hope he's doing well. But you're the only other person I've known. Who has dived into this. Can you tell me how your experience wherever you want to start?

Jim Coley  0:57  

Yeah, obviously, it sometimes confuses people, when I, you know, introduce myself, you know, and what I do and mentioned that I've got four plus years of sobriety now. It made getting sober a really high hurdle. Because I've loved what I've done, I've been doing it for 20 plus years, I got into it as a hobby in my early 20s, I rotated out of I was in the internet 1.0 era in a tech company, and when that bubble burst, the wine shop, I'd been frequenting had offered me a part time job, because they saw that I really loved being around it. And it just became, you know, a career thing for me.

Jim Coley  1:40  

But it also became very much how I defined myself in not just my professional life and my personal life. And so when I realized, going further along that I had a problem, it became something that was that much more challenging to deal with, because it wasn't just, you know, how I manage pain, it was also something that gave me, you know, my living, it gave me a lot of my identity as a professional. I'm, you know, without trying to sound like too much of a big headed guy, I'm prominent in the community, in my town and in my region. And so walking away from that was walking away from at that point, what I thought was, you know, the entire life I've lived for the better part of my mid 20s onward. 

Randal Lyons  2:29  

That is exactly one of the pains that I had. And I did have to walk away because I identified as a musician, and you've got the same color hair as I do there. And so back in the 80s, and the early 90s, when I finally got it, and when it finally stuck for me, you know, people, places and things, all those slippery situations, I could not separate. And it was a real ego dissolution, it was a real dissolution of my identity. And so I was not able to do that. How were you able to navigate that?

Jim Coley  3:06  

Um, I think there are a few things that happened for me, from the spirituality perspective, I'd always been curious about a meditation practice, one of the things alcohol gave to me, and it gave it to me at a relatively young age was it made my head quiet. I was, you know, I was raised in an alcoholic household, troubled family on the inside looked very all American on the outside. But I remember, you know, being originally very afraid of alcohol because of my dad. And then at one point, I was at a party, to felt like belonging, you know, kind of the classic, like, this is how you try your first drink story. And I remember drinking it, and it was the first time I felt comfortable. Socially, I didn't feel like on edge, I didn't feel like I was constantly like, listening to voices in my head telling me that I was, you know, messing up. And, you know, I had a lot of really untreated anxiety for years that I dealt with much later.

Jim Coley  4:12  

But alcohol gave that to me, and I, you know, proceeded to get reportedly drunk that night and wake up with, you know, a hangover the next day, and I didn't actually drink for a while after that. I think somewhere in my head, I was like, wow, that was a little too comfortable that might be that might be scary for even college came around. And you know, I had fun in college as much as I could. And eventually it became something that you know, as I said, it became a lot of my identity, but that was also a way for me to cover that. It was you know, it was anesthetic for me it did help me deal with a lot of spiritual pain.

Jim Coley  4:47  

And at the time, the only way I knew how, but in what turned out to be a really unhealthy way for me. So I remember, probably about a year before I got sober. It was late and leaving my apartment building, I live on the fifth floor, I had a moment of, you know, if the elevator doors opened and there was no elevator there and I stepped in and fell, I could probably be okay with that. And I realized I've been waking up with really dark thoughts for a very long time. And I had, you know, that little moment of clarity like, this isn't good like this is, you know, I'd had some health scares, I'd had some things that were, you know, going in for surgery at one point, then being like, hey, we reran your blood. And there's some things that that are a little concerning that they're not there yet but, we're concerned. So I had run out of room to lie to myself about the physical, emotional and spiritual toll I was taking on myself. And I got onto the internet and got on to a website that talks about insight meditation. And it talked about it in a way that was very useful, very clear, and kind of took away that myth about meditation of like, oh, you're blissful, empty mind.

Jim Coley  6:01  

And I realized, like, oh, it's going to teach me to live with what's going on in my head in a way that I've never really tried before. And so I stumbled through being able to sit still for two minutes, three minutes, five minutes. And then finally being able to hear what was going on in my head, I started to realize how sick I was.

Randal Lyons  6:24  

I was finally able to hear it. Yes. And some of the themes that I'm going through this month and next, from a Chinese medicine point of view, in the cycle of addiction, this is Earth and it was some of those questions I sent you. And last week I wrote about The Magic Moment. And I'm really curious about this with you, in the sense of being wine because wine was never my thing, although alcohol was definitely, we would make fun of The Magic Moment for wine people because the amount of rituals the amount of Jeepers creepers, what a buncha, you know, it's only gotten worse. Wondering, that idea of the moment, right? And all the ritual that goes into the drinking of it...and the moment before you drink it, I'm curious now, looking back, how much awareness do you have around what went into it? And moving forward now and in life, how do you use that awareness to your advantage?

Jim Coley  7:34  

So a couple of things I find really interesting about wine and the reasons I was drawn to it, There were positives, there's a lot of beautiful things around it. You know, it's part of religious rituals. It's part of a deep human culture, it's, I think, one of the ultimate achievements in the human craft of farming and,production of beverages at the level of love and sophistication and knowledge that goes into the people who work vineyards, that in many cases have been there for hundreds of years, and are kind of in their own way, a little bit hallowed sites, is something really beautiful. It's this great intersection of humanity, culture and it's also got the dark side, it can be really disruptive for people who rely on it too much.

Jim Coley  8:23  

There's definitely massive ritual around the opening. Whether it's in our restaurants, you know, the whole Somalia, a presentation of the bottle, opening, decanting, there's very intricate steps that are very, very much like certain religious rituals. And one of the things that, to tie this back to meditation a little bit is that I realized in my tasting, was that there was something very meditative about it for me. There was something in the process of tasting, and smelling and assessing, I was incredibly present.

Jim Coley  9:01  

And that was really cool. It was just once I started actually drinking it, instead of tasting and spitting it, that was where all of a sudden, I'd be off to the races and become anything but present. So it requires now in a professional capacity, if I'm going to taste, it requires, again, a very kind of alertness to the risks, the dangers. While at the same time, I'm assessing something in a professional capacity for me, I think, the point I was talking about the first drink I took there was that, kind of comfort almost the religious like I'm safe, I'm warm here, I'm no longer isolated. I'm now part of, I feel part of a larger community. I feel human in a way that I've never gotten to feel human before. 

Randal Lyons  9:49  

Yeah, there's a reason why these words all go together. Communion community, I feel a part of-  I am at one with and it's interesting that naturally, you felt that there's a reason for all these things. And from what you said there, do you nowadays taste and spit out? Or how does that work for you? 

Jim Coley  10:17  

That works for me. I maintained a very, very professional veneer throughout, my drinking days. And one of the things that also told me that it was time was, a couple of things that started to slip, I started doing things in public I'd never done before. But I was always in a professional capacity, like one of those, like, if I'm at a tasting, you taste and spit, you're representing the profession, you're not supposed to get, you know, sloppy drunk in public. So for me, that was actually not that difficult.

Jim Coley  10:52  

I'm someone who's not anonymous, obviously, My full name is on the Ben's Friends site. I've chosen as a professional to be very clear with the people around me that like, Hey, I don't drink. If there's an event, there's an after party after an event I attend, I'm probably not going. So I've become very clear about here are the parts of the rituals as a professional that I can do safely. And I'll be upfront, I don't recommend this lightly to a lot of people, I think a lot of professionals will struggle with it, it's not an easy path. I was fortunate that I hit a point where I realized there was simply no more juice to squeeze. My bottom in a sense wasn't a low bottom, I wasn't homeless, or I didn't get DUIs, I didn't commit vehicular manslaughter but I also realized that I couldn't go forward like this.

Jim Coley  11:59  

And I wanted to be free, I wanted to, you know, as they say, free of the spiritual bondage and put myself in. And I got that. And I realized that the sacrifice to use - kind of another religious, rich, whole spiritual word, that what I would have to give up was simply the worst parts of being a wine professional, which for me were, getting drunk. And that really wasn't much of a sacrifice in the grand scheme of things. By the time I was done, I wanted it to be done so badly. But there were still lots of things I really liked about it. So being able to separate them, I think, is not easy. But I've managed to do it. And I'm, you know, I remain very aware of the risks. that's one of the reasons I stay involved in a sobriety community, because it's been four years as a different person. Now, I don't have as many vivid memories of raging out, or making foolish mistakes, or being hauled below and opening bottle number two, and being like - this is killing me slowly. It's not as visceral a memory. And so seeing other people come in, and that the first step meeting, they talk about a day seeing that, for me, keeps the dangerous fresh for me. 

Randal Lyons  13:13  

Indeed. Would you say that the community that you're now in is a pretty good replacement for the community you used to be in?  Or it hasn't really changed in the sense of your professional and you're still doing basically what you've been doing - and you're not part of that "first drink" community you were talking about? 

Jim Coley  13:45  

So the people in the in the wine community have been incredibly supportive. As I said, I was very open about the journey I was taking. I think it's fries some people, but they've been incredibly supportive. I can't say enough good things about the wine reps who call on me, the wine distributors I work with, they all kind of respect the choice and are very, very supportive. I think if I actually like swallowed wine in front of people in the profession, they probably freak out worse than I might. 

Jim Coley  14:19  

But at the same time, there's now parts of the world that just aren't for me anymore. And that's okay. You know, the nights of like, hey, we're wrapping up, we're gonna go bond over ordering a couple of really cool bottles off, the wine list at restaurant X, it just doesn't make sense for me. And even though I'm still a restaurant owner, and I still am around it being around people who are inebriated reIated isn't that fun for me. And it's not like, Man, I wish I was there. It's just not fun for me, because it's just not who I am. 

Randal Lyons  14:59  

Yeah, you don't need to be part of that club anymore. 

Jim Coley  15:04  

And in terms of a sober community, the Ben's friends thing was great. I became a national leader, and for those just so I make clear what that is. Ben's friends is a service industry sobriety group on the part of we meet online with their local meetings in many cities. It's a support group that isn't necessarily a program of recovery the way AA is, but it's incredible support for people who have questions about how do I deal with being a bartender and not wanting to drink anymore.

Jim Coley  15:40  

And the people I found, there were people that were were great for me. I made more friends in 2022, and COVID and a little bit after that then I probably made in the five years leading up to getting sober, just because I was so isolated spiritually. You know, I've traveled across the country now to meet up with people I've met through zoom meetings, like the one we're on now. And one of the great things is the friendships I made online, through video conferencing that is just as natural in real life.And it's great, it's great, you know, being able to pick up the phone, and know people....I mean, in therapeutic situations, people who haven't wrestled with addiction are helpful and I see a professional therapist, and she's great...But if you haven't been there the dark humor and the weird moments of struggle...it's great to have people who are just like, Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Randal Lyons  16:44  

And on that, did you have somebody who you were able to look up to?  When you decided to come clean and stay in the business, was there someone else you knew wha said, "I'm going to hang on to this profession?" I would imagine that there were many people around you saying that's not a good idea. Did you have people who were like, not only supportive, but an example of somebody who went before you on this path and was like, Hey, this is how you do it?

Jim Coley  17:18  

There's a master of wine, who's who's remained sober Tim...kind of drawn a blank on his last name. Feel bad. He's probably the most prominent person, prominent sober person in the wine business. Tim Hani, I think, I knew he'd done it. There weren't a ton of examples at that point. And I mean, I also say that I go to a pretty open minded home group when I went in, I don't go as regularly anymore. But they were all kind of people whowere  like, that's gonna be tough. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I realize I'm taking on a little extra challenge. I had some really good, good people give me some really, good little tidbits of advice. And honestly, the toughest thing I think I faced was, maybe it wasn't necessarily my profession, but like, how introspective and how in my head I could be. There was a guy who had long term sobriety and was the first speaker to speak to me at a meeting, I went to a speaker meeting and afterwards, after I'd shared a couple of times, he came over, and he's like, hey, you know, you seem like you're doing really well. I think it was about two months in. And he's like, that's cool and I just want to offer a little bit of unsolicited advice, which is, you seem very intelligent. This can sometimes be harder for people who are smart. 

Randal Lyons  18:41  

Yeah. 

Jim Coley  18:42  

And I just want you to keep that at the forefront of your mind as you're going through this. And it was honestly probably the best piece of advice I got. Because there are moments where I'm like, You're in your head, get out of it! Get out of it. Go do something active, go be a dumb guy for a minute and just get out of your head. And that's really been helpful.

Randal Lyons  19:01  

Which brings me around to...you say you have a also a yoga practice. And I would imagine that is a pretty good way to just, "You know what, it's time to stop all this thinking. Let's get into some movement."

Jim Coley  19:17  

Yeah, yeah, that was. It's been great for me and I tried on and off for years. I had a very unhealthy cycle of drinking too much, working out too much, injuring myself, forcing myself to you know, doing things like giving myself tendinitis or something like putting on weight because I was drinking too much. So I had a very unhealthy relationship with food, alcohol ,exercise in a circular pattern and it's really honestly been a couple of years into sobriety that I finally got, I think healthy with everything.

Jim Coley  19:55  

I don't push myself too far. I've realized that I'm healthy for my age, but like I gotta be patient with things like, "I'm not there" and there are certain positions that I can't force my body into. And you know, in terms of both yoga and meditation, there's talk of the beginner's mind. And that was something that was incredibly liberating for me. Being in the wine world and being regarded as an expert in some pretty cool, you know, hard to access corners of the wine world, coming at something where I had to approach it with humility. That it was going to take me a while to learn and that I was never going to be insanely good at that, even if I got better at it, there are always going to be people who are more capable and that the people who are more capable we're also willing to be like, that it's not the important thing - that doesn't matter that much. Let go of that. 

Jim Coley  20:51  

All that process has been great for my physical and mental health. I feel probably better now than I have in my adult life. Sometimes I do 20 minute practices, depending on how my day breaks up. I did a half an hour this morning. I've been on a yoga retreat that was a two week thing. It was a little more intensive, but it's been wonderful for not just my sobriety, but my general mental and spiritual health. 

Randal Lyons  21:19  

That's wonderful. Good to hear that. One of the questions I get asked is, "Okay, Randy, you know, I do this yoga thing, it's really popular, I do this meditation thing, it's really popular. And the yoga helps quiet my mind, and I get to do physical stuff, and then the meditation, okay, that quiets my mind, and I get to do mental stuff but...I'm having difficulty. Where's the spirituality? Where are the spirits in this?" And I'm curious if you have a take on that. If you have a personal spirit you'd like to share, and how that works for you? I'm always curious as to what spirit people feel closest to.

Jim Coley  22:09  

So religious wise, I was raised in a fairly lacks Christian background, Episcopalian. My mom attended, my dad didn't. So I have that as kind of a backdrop. And I like a lot of Buddhist thought, I'm a big fan of Jack Kornfield. I think he makes a lot of Eastern philosophy very accessible to a western mind 

Randal Lyons  22:35  

With you the on that one!

Jim Coley  22:36  

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, love, love his work. It was one of the things I found very liberating, in a way, is that you can choose, and that's, you know, in terms of coming in through the higher power, I've seen a lot of people wrestle with that. And it was odd for me, like I never really got hung up on it. I didn't have a bad evangelical background, I didn't have religious figures in my life who were abusive. So I started to understand when people come in to the program and hear higher power, that there's a barrier, or hurdle and that's something to really overcome. And I respect people who struggle with that and get anywhere they can.

Jim Coley  23:20  

But I had pretty early on, even when I was drinking, like you get to choose. And that kind of freedom is really challenging. But I was able to choose who I was. And that kind of gave me a sense of responsibility. And so I, I fail regularly, but I strive to be a kind person. I strive to just alleviate suffering around me and whether that's following Buddha, it could be, but for me, that's been the most important thing is having spiritual principles I can articulate myself and follow as best I can.

Jim Coley  24:03  

And then everything else around it, you know, like meditation as a ritual that gets me to a place where I'm more aware of that is helpful. Yoga, same thing, picking up a text, you know, whether it's Kornfield, or listening to..I'll mispronounce his name, but Tich Naht Han, talk about spirituality, those put me right back into places where I'm like, oh, yeah, you know, that's it, it's worth being kinder. It's worth being compassionate with myself with others. And that's kind of where I am with that.

Randal Lyons  24:38  

I think it was the Dalai Lama, or who gets quoted for it, when he was asked, "What is your spirituality? And I think he says, kindness is my spirituality (Ed. the quote is, “Kindness is my religion”). And it just kind of sums up the whole thing.

Jim Coley  24:54  

And yeah, I mean, some days are easier than others some day now. But again, that's that's part of what attention and yoga and all those things. Some days are better than others.

Randal Lyons  25:04  

And I feel the kindness emanating from you. It was kind of you to join me for this time and share your thoughts. I really appreciate it, Jim! 

Jim Coley  25:15  

Yeah, my pleasure, it was great. Great to meet you and great to talk to you.

Get full access to The Sober Shaman at randallyons.substack.com/subscribe